Sink Your Teeth Right Through My Bones, Baby

First off, the official song of the Pan/Parapan Am Games in Toronto! I don't think the majority of Americans even know this is happening, but the Pan Am Games are freaking huge. (Here's some more information.) I don't even think the opening ceremonies will be shown here. I don't get why the U.S. doesn't seem to care about this, I really don't, especially since the U.S. will probably clean up in the medals like always. And yet it's like it doesn't exist down here. Crazy.

But, the song is truly wonderful. (Start at 0.57 seconds if you don't want the preamble, or there's a music-only version here.) I think I've listened to it about 100 times.



If addictive, feel-good music isn't your thing, a few days ago a spontaneous memorial was created for a raccoon when the city of Toronto didn't send anyone to pick up the poor creature's corpse. I'm posting a link because it's such perfect, passive-aggressive Toronto humor (and I laughed and then felt bad, but kept laughing).

No one was disrespectful to the corpse, unless you count anthropomorphism and naming it 'Conrad'.

Yes, I admit it: I write fanfiction. Which is a surprise to absolutely no one here whatsoever. (It's all written with joy and love and is only intended as an admiring homage and etc. etc. etc. please don't sue.)

So, since I've just outed myself as a fanficcer to absolutely nobody, I might as well tell you that I just signed up at the Into A Bar Community on Live Journal. And let me tell you, it will be epic.

Or chocolate and misery!

This is how it works:

1) Choose a fandom character. They'll be going into a bar (or bar-ish environment), and they'll meet...
2) Another character from one of the other fandoms you've listed, which the community mods will choose via dice, dart-throwing, Ouja board, etc.
3) You make something about the meeting.

I am, of course, all about the epic, so naturally my walk-in is Bucky Barnes. And one of the fandoms I listed is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Now, I know what you're thinking--how could such an obvious pairing have never come up before? Because Captain America and MLP fit together like peanut butter and jelly, right? Or macaroni and cheese.

"That little guy from Ponyville, who was too dumb not to trot away from a fight. I'm following him."

After all, MLP is all about the magic of friendship. And Steve and Bucky's friendship is nothing if not magical. And epic.

Steve would be a sickly little Earth Pony, who would come into his full Clydesdale size and strength after the serum. And he'd be plan brown. Like, the only MLP in existence that looks like a regular pony. Except for the red, white and blue shield on his butt.

And Bucky is Rainbow Dash.

"Ready to go to my certain death, sir!"

(Only male, and dark blue and burgundy. Because yes, I have spent time thinking about this.)

And then, tragedy! Rainbow Dash Bucky breaks a wing and falls out of a train, and he can't grab the door handle because ponies don't have thumbs. Earth Pony Steve entirely fails to go on with his life by crashing a plane, and wakes up in Canterlot in 2011.

And then, three years later, Steve has a brutal fight with the Winter Pony in D.C....

"Who the hell is Twilight Sparkle?"

All seems lost, until brave Pony Steve is willing to sacrifice his life in the name of friendship!

And because of his heroic sacrifice--and how he tells Rainbow Bucky, "'cause I'm with you, 'til the end of the trail"--Rainbow Bucky remembers Pony Steve and stops trampling him long enough for the deck of the helicarrier to break and dump Steve into the Potomac. But Bucky dives after him and pulls him out of the water! Only he still doesn't have thumbs, so he uses his teeth or something.

You made Fluttershy cry, you son of a bitch.

Epic, I tell you. And magical. Like friendship!

Of course, with my luck, the intoabar mods will flip a coin and I'll get Arrow instead, which means I'll have to actually come up with something vaguely original that has humans in it. At least Stephen Amell totally rocks the shirtless, tormented assassin look.

Unfortunately, he poses for photographs like a corpse propped against the wall. But I'm good with angst; I can work with it.

Meet John: biblical, dependable, easy to pronounce and one of the most popular American names for the last 100 years. Name of kings, princes, presidents, philosophers and my brother-in-law, it conjures up thoughts of loyalty and steadfastness, simplicity and quiet strength. John will always pull kitties out of wells and get his gun and come marching home (hurrah!) and hold the line.

I'm sure it's for those reasons that John is also a name given to a hilariously astonishing number of fictional characters (There was even a John Doe TV series, but I'm not sure that counts). What I find especially interesting is that John is so often used as a first name for the lead character, when the fact its such a common name would imply that the author couldn't think of anything more interesting. Though I suppose that also works in the name's favor, since you could also argue that a John will be instantly more familiar with the audience than, say, an Anthony or Rodney.

A couple of weeks ago, brumeier and I spent a good half-hour coming up with as many fictional Johns as we could. We eventually branched into Jack as well, because Jack used to be a nickname for John.

Here, with a very few more recent additions, were what we came up with off the top of our heads:

(All the links go to Wikipedia, because that was easiest and there are a hell of a lot of links.)

John Sheppard (Stargate: Atlantis)
John Kennex (Almost Human)
John Diggle (Arrow)
John Garrett (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)
John Dunne (Magnificent Seven)
John Connor (Terminator Franchise)
John Chricton (Farscape)
Johann Schmidt (Captain America Franchise)
John Constantine (Hellblazer Comic)
John Carter (John Carter of Mars Franchise)
John Snow (A Song of Ice and Fire Series/Game of Thrones)
John Winchester (Supernatural)
John Locke (Lost)
John Watson (Sherlock Holmes)
Little John (Robin Hood)
Johnny Blaze (Ghost Rider Franchise)
Johnny Storm (Fantastic Four Franchise)
Johnny Mnemonic (Johnny Mnemonic)

Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean Franchise)
Jack Harkness (Torchwood)
Jack O'Neill (Stargate: SG-1)
Jack Carter (Eureka)
Jack (Jack the Giant Slayer/Killer and many, many other versions)
Jaq-Jaq (Disney's Cinderella)
Jack (Oblivion)
Jack Burton (Big Trouble in Little China)
Jack Shephard (Lost)
Jack Power (Power Pack Comic)

Crazy, right? And that's just off the top of our heads. I'm sure you guys know even more Johns and Jacks we haven't thought of, and that's not including the countless Johns and Jacks who appear in fairy tales and nursery rhymes.

I also find it hilarious how SyFy named two characters Jack and two characters John in four different series, and that Lost had a John and a Jack (and a James!). I also love how Jack's last name was 'Shephard', likely for the same reason as John Sheppard on SGA. They roll trippingly off the tongue, do those J names.

So, did we miss any Johns or Jacks, O Best-Beloveds? Any other names that you see on fictional characters all the time? (James seems pretty popular too, as does Peter and Steve.) Any non-American ones? I'd love to hear 'em.

Those of you living in civilized countries outside the United States may not know that recently Arizona (state of that smug bastard Roadrunner and that city where everyone makes a wrong turn; not to mention the state where it is now legal for a cop to ask anyone for their immigration papers at anytime, anywhere, if there is "reasonable suspicion" that the person is insufficiently light-skinned an illegal alien) voted in a bill that would have allowed businesses to refuse to serve people based on sexual orientation on religious grounds.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoed the bill (same link just above) after even the Republicans who had voted for it realized that pissing off Apple and the Superbowl committee might be a bad idea. Joh Stewart of the Daily Show has hilarious commentary on it below. (Unfortunately it's in two parts.):




But Mississippi, a state I know so little about that I had to look up its capitol (It's Jackson), decided to take up the banner of discrimination and vote in its own law about the very same thing.

The state flag of Mississippi, which perhaps tells us everything we need to know*

But it's Religious freedom, y'all. It's not about not serving homosexuals. It's about... allowing people to not serve homosexuals. In the name of freedom.

(I hope that my American FListies will sign this petition against it. It's endorsed by Lance Bass! Who should possibly move.)

But the thing I really don't get about Mississippi's bill is this: How do you tell if someone is homosexual before you serve them? I mean, same-sex marriage is illegal in Mississippi; it's not like any give bakery in Jackson is going to have a homosexual couple ordering a wedding cake. And sure, maybe if someone wants two bridal dresses for a commitment ceremony it might tip off the owner of the local Dress Barn. But what about restaurants? Or shoe stores? Or, I dunno, pet salons? Are you really going to ask someone if they're gay before you shave their dog? Even if they come prancing in dressed like Johnny Weir at an Oscar after-party, can you be sure that they threaten the God-given sanctity of your divorce just by existing? Unless a Canadian walks into your ski shop, how can you even know?

Obviously, the next step is for Mississippi to pass a law like Arizona's, that will let anyone ask for one's sexual orientation at any given time. And then they'd need to issue gay IDs. And then have special homosexual ghettos to make sure that no businesses are threatened by gays or lesbians trying to pass as normal people.

And then jail them for acting homosexual in public. Like Russia, to protect the children. Maybe those Reds have the right idea after all!



*To be fair, Georgia only got rid of the Confederate Battle Flag on their state flag in 2003.

Yesterday, as some of you may recall, I was lamenting my lack of foresight which prevented me from making millions with dinosaur erotica.

Well, no more, my friends! Here is the cover of my upcoming debut novel in the exciting and untapped genre of porn with ancient sea-reptiles. Naturally I had to find a new pen-name, to avoid any public ridicule when I eventually win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

I decided to emulate the artistry of the Christie Sims covers, because nothing says classy dino-porn like 10 minutes with Photoshop.

Leeoolaa, the great sorceress of her seafaring tribe, is determined to end the famine plaguing her people. She takes a raft and sets out alone on the ocean with one goal: to offer herself to the Old Man of the Sea--the Ichthyosaur--as a sacrifice to ensure the survival of her tribe.

Naked, provisionless save for her magic protective amulet and her determination, Leeoolaa expects to die. What she doesn't expect is that the Old Man of the Sea will accept her offer, but not as a sacrifice.

No. The Ichthyosaur wants Leeoolaa as his mate, and more: as the mother of a new tribe of half-men, half-Ichthyosaurs, who he will use to rule the ocean!

Now Leeoolaa has a to make a choice: stay as the Ichthyosaur's love-slave and brood mare, or return to her tribe and turn her back on the greatest watery ecstasy she's ever known?

Awesome, right? I can't wait to sit back and rake in the dough. Oh, and I'll totally make covers for anyone who wants to join me in my new, lucrative career of anachronistic, physiologically impossible porn. Just $5.00 each. Which is apparently market value for that level of artistry and talent.

(The pregnant woman and ocean background come from FreeDigitalPhotos.Net, and were taken by Paul Goody and foto76, respectively. I couldn't find the source for the Ichthyosaur.)

And I'm using this for the Difficult Pregnancy square of my hc_bingo card, for obvious reasons.

Hey, Flisties. Here are the winners of the contest I ran last week to win a paperback or eBook copy of Black Hawk Tattoo. I would have had the results sooner, but certain Trusted Family Members(TM) were a little slower in getting back to me with their choices than I'd anticipated. I apologize for the wait.

If you're a winner, please either PM me via Live Journal, or email me at simple.carbohydrates AT gmail DOT com (replacing the capitalized words with the correct symbols). I'll need a mailing address for the paperback winners, and what format the eBook winners would prefer. Dreamspinner Press seems to have all digital formats available, including Kindle.

( And the winning jokes are... )
Thank you very, very much to everyone who participated! I really hope you enjoy the book. :)

And here's where I timidly ask if you'd be so kind as to please (please, please) leave a review on Amazon.com if you like it. That would be enormously appreciated.

At Lowe's, in front of the Christmas tree display. Because, where else?

Hello, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying your Monday (or did, if it's over where you are). I'm pretty happy because I can give away free books!

Specifically, the book I talk about here which has one of my stories in it. My story is about an ornery cat making things difficult for two guys' relationship, so I asked for people to tell me funny and/or otherwise cool animal stories.

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who took the time to leave me a comment very, very much. It's always heartening to know people read my posts. :D And now, the winners:

First place, and a trade paperback copy of the book goes to mific, for a hilarious story about being high in a pet store. (No animals were harmed during the making of this story.)

The four ebook winners are:

sgamadison, For having to remind a client that an electric fence does not equal a force field.

springwoof, For proving from first-hand experience that sometimes bats really do fly at your head.

ruefull For a story about how sometimes all a bull needs is a little lovin'.

And last but not least, amothea, For her large but very patient kitty.

If the winners could please either PM me their mailing address for the paperback or the email addresses for the ebooks, that would be awesome. You can email me if you'd prefer at simplecarbohydrates AT gmail DOT com.

Thanks again! And I hope you like the book!

Via The Mary Sue, naturally. Waldo had one too many fingers pointed in his direction and he's gone all Jason Bourne on their asses. If you see red and white stripes, run!

Where's Waldo: The Movie