Space Aliens! YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP!

[taste_is_sweet]

Via the ever-awesome Mary Sue, as usual, comes the first trailer for the new Universal Movie, Battleship.

Yes, that Battleship.

The movie's based on the board game by Milton Bradley, which is currently owned by Hasbro.

(It will probably come as a surprise to no one that Hasbro also owns the Transformers, or that there are already movies in the works for the board games Risk and Candy Land, also owned by the same company. I can't wait until we see the trailer for the Play-Doh movie, or Hungry, Hungry Hippos:

"What is that?"

"It appears to be a giant alien...DEAR GOD, THOSE TEETH!"

"Their necks can elongate! Run! RUN!")

I do feel I should give props to the writer, who must have sweated little plastic bullets that looked like submarines in order to give an actual plot to this movie. Apparently our hero is a terribly original golden boy (white, naturally, because there are no PoC in the American military)/never-do-well, in love with his CO's daughter (as blonde, blonde, blonde, skimpily clad and generally useless to the plot as anyone could hope for). But he won't get Liam Neeson his CO's permission to marry her because of his never-do-well-ness.

In fact, he's about to be kicked out of the Navy! He has one last set of military exercises before his career will come to a swift and inglorious end.

Or not! Because naturally the instant they get out into international waters, his chance for Redemption and Heroics literally surfaces in the form of SPACE ALIENS! Yes! And then some big loud effect happens and someone yells that THEIR RADAR HAS GONE DOWN OMG and that's pretty much when I started laughing.

I've watched the trailer twice (it's made of win! How could I not?) and so far I really can't tell if the Japanese, with whom the US was doing the exercise, actually stay present in the movie let alone do anything. There is one female military person in the trailer who may or may not have lines; I expect she dies. And the hero is so generic looking that I honestly can't tell when he's doing stuff or if it's some other guy.

James Cameron thinks the movie will suck, but I think that's just because he's too shallow and narrow-minded to understand it. Real art will always have its haters.

And Liam Neeson! Who is obviously following the Nicolas Cage method of rounding out his career. Maybe he'll also be in Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

Comments

[alizarin-nyc.livejournal.com]

You're hilarious. I cannot see the trailer at work, alas, but am laughing my ass off already.

However. ASkars is signed on? Okay, dammit, I will watch. And hate myself in the morning.

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The trailer is gold. I hope you have a chance to see it. :D

This is a total hate yourself in the morning movie. This is the date you should have never taken home or the third piece of cake or the one last shot movie. This is guilt waiting to happen. :)

[debris_k.livejournal.com]

OMG, that's looks like it's going to be so mockable the fun will never end. Frog-leaping whale-like alien ship-thingies with transformatory action, that's completely amazingly original, that is! *sporfle*

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

It's astonishing, isn't it? I kept asking myself, how can anyone possibly take this movie seriously? How could the actors and crew keep from ruining every shot by laughing?

[sholio]

HAHAHAHAHA. The aerial shot of the battleships and their enemies, looking just like the computer version of the game, was what really sent me over the edge. HOW could anyone make this movie with a straight face?

I'm saving my theatre money for Chutes & Ladders, myself. Maybe Nicholas Cage will be in it.

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

LOL

Oh, no--Snakes and ladders, baby! You gotta go old school (or Canadian) with that one!

"Oh my God! Henderson just slid down that path!"

"It's not a path, sir! It's a GIANT SNAKE! Run! RUN!"

It'll be Cage's best movie since Moonstruck.

[sholio]

*cracks up*

That totally sounds like a Syfy channel original movie. I'm amazed they haven't snapped up the rights yet. Of course in that case, rather than Nicholas Cage, it would all be Canadian background actors from Stargate.

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

::Snort:: Or Joe Flanigan. :D

I am your singing telegram

[natsuko1978.livejournal.com]

To be fair, in my "I love Tim Curry" phase, I did watch Clue more times than I am willing to count. It is possible to make a fun and tongue-in-cheek film from a board game. :D But I suppose they *knew* they were making a film that parodied itself.

I don't think Liam Neeson is copying Nicolas Cage. I think he's copying Sean Connery. ;)

Re: I am your singing telegram

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Sean Connery? If that's true, how sad for Mr. Connery... :)

I loved Clue back in the day! It was so silly, but it was very self-aware that it was silly and based on a board game. Battleship is extremely Srs Bsns on the other hand, which makes it unintentionally hilarious.

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

Dear Hollywood,

I get you are at a lack of good ideas. It's nothing to be ashamed of, we've all been there. Why don't you call me, and a few of my friends? Pay us half what you pay the people who came up with Battleship and we'll give you plenty of ideas.

You save money, get fresh ideas and don't have to look at yard sale junk for inspiration. We all win.

Love,

Me

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Hee! Love it! Now if only it would happen....