"Beautiful" (Round Three Entry for the brigits_flame Contest)

[taste_is_sweet]

Thank you again to everyone who kindly voted for me this week! I am grateful and honored. And very happy.

This is for the prompt of "Pregnant". I surprised myself by ending up with a story inspired by one of the ideas I had for the "Eternal" prompt, but this is vastly different than that one would have been. I hope you enjoy it.

I'm also three for three with bleeding young men, which possibly means something. I'm not sure what.



Kathan stopped moaning abruptly and lifted her head. "Taryn," she said, looking perplexed. "Do you hear screaming?"

Taryn lifted his mouth from her left breast, absently running his palm up the soft, curving expanse of her belly as he moved. She shuddered, but didn't relax.

"Seriously," she said, and he could see the white of her eyes glinting as she blinked in the low light. "I really hear screaming." She shifted so that she could look at him more easily, forcing Taryn to move away from her before she knocked him off the narrow bed. "You can't hear anything?"

Taryn suppressed a sigh. "Kathi…."

"Don't 'Kathi' me!" Kathan lifted her hips, thrusting herself backwards awkwardly so that she could sit against the wall. Her breasts, each as big as greenhouse melons, bobbed enticingly until she crossed her arms in front of them, pressing them to her chest. It looked uncomfortable. Her belly was so big it made her seem almost alien--something exotic and unearthly, as frightening as she was beautiful. "It's not hormones. I tell you, someone's screaming and I can hear him!"

"Him?" Taryn asked, blinking himself now. He tore his eyes away from her body and forced himself to look at her face; she got upset if she thought he wasn't paying attention to her.

But the 'him' got him to concentrate, finally, and he realized that he could hear it too. It had been so faint he'd dismissed it as noise from the air scrubbers, but the sound was organic. And it was coming from his transrec, which was normally secured to his ear, except that Kathan had yanked it out and replaced it with her tongue. He didn't remember her dropping it on the floor, but he'd been distracted.

Grimacing, Taryn groped for it over the side of the bed, finally managing to scrabble it off the floor. He twisted it in his fingers, finding the correct orientation by memory in the semi-darkness, then pressed it back into his ear. He winced when the screaming was instantly amplified until it felt like his right eardrum might snap.

"Doctor Roncen! Doctor Roncen! Please respond!" That was Jak Saaven; Taryn recognized his voice. It was hard to hear him with the screaming in the background, but it sounded like Jak had been trying to contact him for some time.

"I'm here, Jak," Taryn said. He glanced guiltily at Kathan. "What's wrong? Is that the b--Is that the one you just processed?" he asked, because Kathan was listening.

"Yes, sir," Jak answered, and Taryn could imagine Jak nodding his head in that frantic, bobbing way he had when he was stressed. "He started about five minutes ago and won't stop. Leung wants to kip him, but we need you here for that."

"Do you know what's wrong?" Taryn asked. He was already out of bed, yanking on his underwear. He looked at Kathan again, but it was too dark to read her expression. He mouthed I'm sorry, at her, but he couldn't tell if she'd seen him. She had her hand on her belly, where his had just been.

No, sir," Jak said. In the background, the screaming went on and on, and Taryn was sure Jak had his hands pressed tightly to his ears. "It's not like we can ask him."

"Right." Taryn nodded grimly and yanked his boots on over his bare feet, sealed them closed with a fast press of his fingers. "I'm on my way." He could be there in four minutes, provided the elevators in the complex weren't late, or broken.

"That's great, sir," Jak said, his voice heavy with relief. "I'll send Nolan to meet you."

"Roncen out," Tayrn said. He looked at Kathan. "I'm really sorry."

Kathan just nodded. Her smile was a dark curve on her shadowed face. "Be safe," she said.

---

"Thank you for coming, Doctor Roncen," Zara Nolan said. Zara only ever called him 'Doctor Roncen', as if not even 'sir' was formal enough. She started walking quickly, obviously expecting him to follow her. She looked anxious and miserable.

The screaming was even louder, now that he was only two barriers away from the cells: a terrible, disjointed stereo coming through his transrec and his naked ear. Jak and Leung had to be deaf by now. Taryn was privately amazed they hadn't kipped the prisoner anyway, whether Taryn was present or not. He tapped his transrec off.

Taryn had his own security clearance, but he waited patiently while the doorbot read Zara's eyes and voice print and the reinforced door swung ponderously open. Three meters later Zara had to do the whole routine again, and Taryn thought of Kathan and pointedly didn't look at the automated machine guns set into the ceiling, aimed so that nothing in the small space could possibly survive.

The prisoner was housed in the special wing reserved for the most lethal criminals, though right now that was because this part of the prison was empty. Jak and Leung were both standing in front of the door to the prisoner's cell, looking anxiously through the bars. Jak saw Taryn and Zara come up and he swung around, his expression tight and unhappy. Leung moved when Jak did. He was holding a large tranquilizer gun in both hands.

"Thank God," Leung said, loudly. "I think my ears are bleeding." His hands twitched around the gun, as if he couldn't wait to use it.

Taryn nodded to them both, going right to the door of the cell. Leung and Jak instantly moved aside so he could look in.

The prisoner was kneeling in the center of his cell, his legs far apart. His head was hanging, and Taryn could see how badly he was shaking, how much effort it cost him to pull enough air into his lungs. He'd used his claws to slice deep grooves into his arms, his chest and his naked stomach, probably as a way to distract himself from the pain. It was obvious he was in agony.

His wings were spread to the fullest extent he could manage in the tiny cell, which obviously wasn't their full span. They were dingy grey and shaking violently, like muscles held in one position for too long. Like he'd been trying to stretch them for days, and couldn't.

Taryn knew the prisoner couldn't speak, and had barely made a noise since being processed. He wondered how long the man had endured before the pain had overwhelmed him.

"Should I kip him?" Leung asked. He lifted the gun.

Taryn stepped back, nodding. "Yes," he said. "Then get him out of there."

All three of the guards blinked like Taryn had slapped them.

"Are you kidding?" Leung burst out. He never used formalities at all. "What if he wakes up?"

"Look at him," Taryn snapped. "He'll die if you leave him in there! Is that what you want?"

Leung muttered something, low and angry, but he finally slid the muzzle of the gun through the space between the bars. Taryn watched him aim it, and he heard the surprisingly quiet noise when it fired, but Leung was in the way so he couldn't see it hit.

"Gotcha," Leung said, triumph in his voice. In the cell, the screaming finally stopped.

"Thank God," Zara said, fervent as a prayer.

It was Jak who went to the door, fumbling his key ring until he found the right one. They were strictly low-tech in this part of the prison, in case any of the prisoners here got a hold of the guards. He swung the door open wide, keeping it between himself and the man in the cell. Taryn saw that but didn't call him on it--he was scared as well, and only mostly certain they wouldn't be hurt. But it was his job to look after the health of the prisoners here, and he wouldn't ignore any of them.

Taryn glanced back at Zara before he ducked into the cell. "Come with me," he said, expecting her to follow. Zara was the smallest of all of them, which meant they'd have more room.

The prisoner had slumped backwards as he lost consciousness, but his spread wings were holding him upright, so that he looked like a scarecrow on a scaffold, or a corpse trapped in barbed wire. His sharp, inhuman face was wide open with pain, wet with sweat and tears and snot. There was a thick line of drool running down his chin, a small puddle of reeking vomit between his knees. His half-open eyes were too round, like circles, and too large for his face--bird eyes. They were blue as they skies denied to him. His arms and torso were glistening wetly with his sweat and blood, lined with deep, red cuts.

The birdman's head had been shaved when he was processed, and now it was too short to know what color it had been. Taryn guessed blond.

A lot of parents wanted blond children.

The birdman's hands and feet were two digits short. Claws instead of nails, thick and curved, streaked with red. He'd torn a young man's throat out with those claws--a young, unaltered man, according to the official report and the news clips. The public defender had insisted it was self-defense. The prisoner, of course, hadn't said anything at all.

Zara was standing in the doorway, awkward with fear. "What do you want me to do?" she asked. Leung and Jak were hovering behind her. Leung had his tranq gun up again.

"Put the gun down before you shoot one of us," Taryn said. "Help me with his wings," he explained to Zara. "We have to fold them."

Zara's eyes went almost as round as the birdman's, but they were brown, small, natural. Taryn didn't feel like shuddering when he looked at them. And she had brown hair and brown skin like he did, and Kathan, and almost everyone he knew.

She nodded jerkily and walked the rest of the way into the cell, moving with almost ridiculous care. She kept her eyes on the birdman the whole time.

"Okay," Taryn said when she was close enough. "Watch what I'm doing."

He put his hands gently on the prisoner's wings, waited until Zara had taken a deep breath and was doing the same. The feathers under his hands were scraggly, grey more from dirt than actual pigmentation. Taryn was sure they were meant to be bright, unblemished white; he wondered if the grey had disappointed anyone. They were flecked with the blood the man had torn out of his own body.

They were surprisingly soft. The long, thin bones felt terribly vulnerable, under Taryn's large, long-fingered hands. The muscles were still shaking: minute trembles that reminded him uncomfortably of something dying.

"Gently," Taryn said. "One part at a time--follow the direction the joint wants to fold. Don't force it." He started bending the part of the wing that coincided with a human elbow, relieved and grateful when he didn't have to force it to move.

"That's it," Taryn said quietly. He finished folding the wing as best he could in the limited space, then watched as Zara finished on her side, moving much more slowly.

"Great," he said once Zara had her hands wrapped awkwardly around a bent wing. "Jak," he called, "help us get him into the corridor."

---

"I'm sorry," Taryn said softly. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"S'okay," Kathan said sleepily. She was lying on her side, her eyes luminescent with the light shining in from the corridor. Her belly took up more than half the bed. "I'm glad you're back. What happened? Why was that poor man screaming?"

Taryn took a breath and sat down beside her, his back resting against hers. He reached behind him and put his hand on her hip.

"Don't," she protested, squirming feebly. "I'm fat."

"You're beautiful," he said automatically, meaning it.

"And you're a liar," she said, though he could hear the smile in her voice. "Tell me what happened."

Taryn opened his mouth, hesitated. He licked his lips. "It doesn't matter," he said. "He was in a lot of pain, and I gave him analgesics and muscle relaxants, and he got moved to a bigger cell, and he'll be just fine." The last part wasn't true--the birdman would probably be put down, unless there was a public outcry about it--but Kathan didn't need to know that part. It was doubtful that the birdman knew it himself. Just as well, Taryn thought.

"That's good," Kathan said, sounding sleepy again. She put her hand over Taryn's on her hip. "Go get changed and come to bed."

"I'm going to," Taryn said, but he didn't get up.

"Kathi," he said carefully, "do you think we did the right thing, having the child altered?"

He felt Kathan go still. "Of course we did. He'll be beautiful. Why?"

She rolled onto her back when he didn't answer. Taryn could feel her belly against his back, was keenly aware of the child inside her, almost ready to be born. "Why, Taryn?" Kathan asked. "What's wrong?"

"What if…he's not beautiful?" Taryn asked her. "What if it doesn't work right? What if he's disabled somehow?"

He turned enough so that he could see her. Kathan had her arms over her belly, as if she was protecting the baby. Maybe from what he'd just said; maybe from him.

"We'll keep him anyway, right?" he asked, very quietly. "I mean, we won't abandon him?"

"Of course not!" Kathan said, voice sharp. "What's gotten in to you? That's horrible!" She began rubbing the skin over abdomen, as if their son needed soothing. "All the scans showed the alterations have taken perfectly, anyway." She picked up his hand and put it on her abdomen. He could feel the solid plain of his son's back. "He's going to be exactly what we wanted."

"Sure," Taryn said, putting a smile into his voice. He patted Kathan's belly, then stood. "I'm going to take a shower."

Kathan was asleep when he returned, lying on her side again, sleek as a well-fed cat. And their son, sleeping inside her, who was going to be beautiful.

Taryn lay next to Kathan and put his arm around her, around their child, and stayed there, awake in the darkness, for a very long time.

END

Comments

[mermaidbia.livejournal.com]

You know what I love about your writing? It's so *real*. You have a knack for writing fantasy that's so matter-of-fact and real for all its fantastic elements that you can't help but trust into it, and that's a real gift. You have a gift of letting the reader really *be* there, experience everything first-hand, see all the details, all the subtleties that make a world, plus you're excellent with dialogue. To you the description of a bird-man is no more or less fascinating to describe than a woman's pregnancy.
It's fantasy after my own heart, I strive to accomplish the same, but I can't do it with your grace, I think.

I love the casual-yet-beautiful description of the bird-man, and I would love to know more about the "alterations". Is it that this is a kind of crossbreed between bird and human, and developing the bird half is frowned upon in modern days? This would make such an excellent novel.

You're insanely talented.

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your comments, especially when you are so incredibly talented yourself!

Your words mean a great deal to me. Thank you.

[aine-marihugh.livejournal.com]

You have a knack for writing fantasy that's so matter-of-fact and real for all its fantastic elements that you can't help but trust into it, and that's a real gift.

I can't say it any better than that. Amen!

Wow.

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! To me the most interesting part of the fantastic is how these things would 'work' in the everyday world. I'm really gratified that this felt 'real' to you. :D

[merthin.livejournal.com]

Nice approach to the potential outcome for in vivo embryo genetic alteration. The piece looked long, but it read fast. Very enjoyable.

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. :) I have trouble writing shorter pieces, so I can only hope that they don't feel overly long. It's great to read that this one didn't. Thank you again.

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Spooky. I find myself wondering what they ordered, and what they'll actually end up with. Nice job!

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm not entirely sure what Taryn and Kathan wanted for their child, except that he won't have wings. It would definitely not be as extravagant as an 'angel' baby in any case. :)

[drippedonpaper.livejournal.com]

I wonder if our world will soon offer these choices...and how mankind will handle them. Your writing raises good questions about our future.

I find myself wondering if the birdman was in agony partly, I am sure, due to the alterations not working together but partly perhaps because he couldn't fly? Perhaps he had some instincts of a bird but the adaptation didn't allow him to follow them so his mind was in agony?

Thanks for writing this, it really makes me think.

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's an interesting question! Thank you!

When I wrote this I thought that the birdman would be mentally distressed at being confined, but that his agony was purely physical because he couldn't properly stretch his wings. But I like the idea that not being able to fly would be impossible for him to deal with as well. Poor creature.

Thank you very much for your comments, as well.

*sneaks in bearing hugs and an edit!*

[kithlyara.livejournal.com]

"Roncen out," Tayrn said. He looked at Kathan. "I'm really sorry." – Tayn’s name is misspelled.

The screaming was even louder, now that he was only two barriers away from the cells: - No comma

Taryn had his own security clearance, but he waited patiently while the doorbot read Zara's eyes and voice print and the reinforced door swung ponderously open. – No comma before ‘but’

Three meters later Zara had to do the whole routine again, and Taryn thought of Kathan and pointedly didn't look at the automated machine guns set into the ceiling, aimed so that nothing in the small space could possibly survive. – This should be two different sentences. ‘Three meters later, Zara had to do the whole routing again.’ can be its own sentence. The second part is a the beginning of a different thought.

I’m guessing the prisoner is in pain due to not being able to fully stretch his wings or fly, however it isn’t overly clear. This sentence ‘He'd used his claws to slice deep grooves into his arms, his chest and his naked stomach, probably as a way to distract himself from the pain. It was obvious he was in agony.’ makes it especially confusing since someone would be inclined to think the pain he’s in is from the claw marks on his body.

Leung muttered something, low and angry, but he finally slid the muzzle of the gun through the space between the bars – No comma before ‘but’

Taryn watched him aim it, and he heard the surprisingly quiet noise when it fired, but Leung was in the way so he couldn't see it hit. – This should be ‘Taryn watched him aim it. He heard the surprisingly quiet noise when it fired but Leung was in the way so he couldn’t see it hit.’

The prisoner had slumped backwards as he lost consciousness, but his spread wings were holding him upright, so that he looked like a scarecrow on a scaffold, or a corpse trapped in barbed wire. – No comma before ‘but’

The birdman's head had been shaved when he was processed, and now it was too short to know what color it had been. – It can be assumed you’re talking about hair but since ‘head’ is the subject of this sentence, it makes the rest of the sentence refer to the birdman’s head. Essentially, the sentence says his head is too short to know what color it had been.

Zara's eyes went almost as round as the birdman's, but they were brown, small, natural – No comma before ‘but’

And she had brown hair and brown skin like he did, and Kathan, and almost everyone he knew. – Remove ‘And’ from the beginning of the sentence. You could also word the sentence ‘She had brown hair and skin like he and Kathan did along with almost everyone he knew.’

He put his hands gently on the prisoner's wings, waited until Zara had taken a deep breath and was doing the same. – This could be two sentences. ‘He put his hands gently on the prisoner’s wings. He waited until Zara had taken a deep breath and was doing the same.’

The long, thin bones felt terribly vulnerable, under Taryn's large, long-fingered hands. – No comma before ‘under’

Taryn opened his mouth, hesitated. – You might want to add ‘then’ after the comma and before ‘hesitated’

Taryn said, but he didn't get up. – No comma before ‘but’

What's gotten in to you? – into instead of in to

She began rubbing the skin over abdomen – over her abdomen

The cut from Taryn helping the birdman to him speaking with Kathan was very abrupt. It really jarred me out of the story for a few moments. That’s both a good and a bad thing. It’s good because it shows how interested I was in the birdman’s aspect of the story. The plot is really intriguing. You did a great job at creating a world I want to know more about. Each character, no matter how small their part, is very distinct in their mannerisms and personality. Overall, this story was intriguing to read. I’d love to read more, should you ever write more. I really hope you do!

Re: *sneaks in bearing hugs and an edit!*

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for your time and effort. :)

I was surprised at how many grammar problems you discovered, however, since I haven't had much difficulty in grammar in a long time. So I took the liberty of going to two different websites to see what their rules are about putting a comma before 'but' or 'and'.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_commaproof.html

Both these websites said that a comma was necessary before 'but' or 'and', provided it was linking two independent clauses.

I looked over the places you said I needed commas again, and as far as I can tell, they are indeed all independent clauses connected by a conjunction. For example:

Leung muttered something, low and angry, but he finally slid the muzzle of the gun through the space between the bars. - This could also be written:

Leung muttered something, low and angry.
He finally slid the muzzle of the gun through the space between the bars.

Hence, I believe the comma is actually necessary.

In any case, I can indeed see places where I probably made the error of choosing style over proper usage (I tend to have a lot of pauses when I put sentences together in my head), and I very much appreciate you pointing out where I just didn't make any sense. (Though I have to admit I always feel embarrassed when I miss things like making a sentence about someone's head instead of his hair. Oops.)

Thank you again! And I give you virtual hugs in return. :)

Re: *sneaks in bearing hugs and an edit!*

[kithlyara.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the correction and website links. I'll definitely check them out.

Whenever I do an edit for grammar and spelling, I will always choose style over grammar as the proper way to handle the text. I know there are people out there that won't agree with that. I just tend to think that sometimes proper grammar can ruin an author's vision and ,subsequently, the story. With the sentences I corrected, I couldn't tell why they were written that way was due to a style choice. Sorry about that!

Re: *sneaks in bearing hugs and an edit!*

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, please don't apologize! Just because someone does something for stylistic reasons doesn't mean it's good. If it makes the story unclear or annoying to read, than it most definitely needs to be taken out or changed.

I honestly appreciate you bringing my attention to the comma thing. Like I said before (kind of), I tend to err on the side of using too many commas (to slow stuff down, as is my wont for some reason), so I really do need to know if I'm bogging down the story.

Thank you. :)

Re: *sneaks in bearing hugs and an edit!*

[pipisafoat]

(other editor here, making sure we're not repeating the same things and had to comment)

You're right about the comma usage. There are a couple of places where you have them incorrectly, but all the ones kithlyara pointed out looked fine to me except for this one:
The long, thing bones felt terribly vulnerable, under Taryn's large, long-fingered hands.
The comma before "under" is grammatically incorrect and detracts from the flow of the story stylistically.

Right-o! Your actual edit will be posted just as soon as we can get a minute to type it up - it's done on paper, but we have some work to finish for our classes first, sorry. Hopefully it'll be up later tonight, but tomorrow night at the latest. (Sorry for the delay; we lost internet this weekend because of squirrels. Eating the lines. Seriously. WTF?)

Re: *sneaks in bearing hugs and an edit!*

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for your confirmation that I'm not entirely insane. I can see from your edits below that I do have some...overly creative comma use, but at least it's not before 'but'. At least not most of the time. :)

Edit!

[pipisafoat]

Hey there, Heather of pipisafoat here, I'll be doing your edit this week. Sorry about the delay. Anyway, here's how the formatting below goes: edits from the same paragraph are grouped together. Strikethrough indicates that I suggest something be removed, bold means add this in, or if I've added/removed some punctuation, I put the two words on either side of it in bold to call attention to it. Italics marks my comments. If you have questions, don't hesitate to reply to the edit or, if you for any reason would rather it be private, email to the address found on our userinfo page.

She shuddered but didn't relax. As there isn't a complete sentence after "but", there should not be a comma (dependent clauses cannot be set apart)

"Seriously," she said, and he could see the whites of her eyes glinting in the low light.

"It's not hormones. I tell you, someone's screaming, and I can hear him!" The independent clause (which can be its own sentence) "I can hear him" must be set apart with a comma/conjunction or semicolon when it is joined to another sentence.

But The 'him' got him to concentrate, finally, and he realized that he could here it, too. First, you shouldn't start sentences with conjunctions such as but, and, or, etc. (Except in special cases such as "But for the glow, he wouldn't have noticed the adorable little alien." but in this example, "but" is used as part of the phrase "but for", which is comparable to "besides".) Second, "too" is considered an interjection (like yes, yay, or whooooooo!!!!), which means that it needs to be set apart completely from the rest of the sentence.
And It was coming from his transrec, which was normally secured to his ear...

He mouthed I'm sorry, at her, but he couldn't tell if she'd seen him. Something needs to be done with the punctuation around "I'm sorry", but it could go either way. Some would just remove that comma after it (He mouthed I'm sorry at her) but that seems pretty awkward to me. I would say "He mouthed 'I'm sorry' at her". Good comma after "her", though.

"No, sir," Jak said. The first quotation mark was missing, not sure if the bold actually gets that point across.

He could be there in four minutes, provided the elevators in the complex weren't late or broken. That comma was very stylistic, but I feel like it wasn't adding anything and might have even been detracting from the sentence. Also, how would elevators be late? Slow I could understand, but late is just confusing. You may want to reconsider your word choice there.

The screaming was even louder now that he was only two barriers away from the cells: a terrible, disjointed stereo coming through his transrec and his naked ear. First, that comma was grammatically correct, but I don't have much against it, stylistically. Second, the colon seems to break the sentence up a little bit too much for my taste there. Typically, colons precede lists, not descriptions. Third, because of the placement of what comes after the colon, the sentence is slightly awkward. I recommend "The screaming, a terrible, disjointed stereo coming through his transrec and his naked ear, was even louder..." However, with this version, the comma after terrible is stylistically bad, so I would either change it to "a terribly disjointed stereo", which probably changes the meaning too much, or more likely remove it and offend the grammar nazis. Finally, the phrasing of "through his transrec and his naked ear" is a little bit awkward. The best alternative I've been able to come up with is "... stereo audible to his naked/unaided ear as well as continuing to filter through his transrec..." but that seems really pointlessly wordy.

Re: Edit!

[pipisafoat]

Taryn had his own security clearance, but he waited patiently while the doorbot read Zara's eyes and voice print and the reinforced door swung ponderously open. Well, it made sense the second time I read it? Seriously, I would rephrase it so that the subject of everything through which he waits is 'the doorbot': "... while the doorbot read Zara's eyes and voice print and swung the reinforced door open ponderously." Or ponderously open? Not totally sure on that. Either way, it still sounds a little bit awkward that way, so maybe you could forget that entire suggestion and change it to "... voice print, before the reinforced door..."
Three meters later, Zara had to do the whole routine again...

The prisoner was housed in the special wing reserved for the most lethal criminals, though right now that was because this part of the prison was empty. Is that because the rest is full, or to isolate this prisoner? Why is he isolated; it is because he's a birdman, or is there anything reason? I don't know that you even want to answer these questions, but I thought I would ask them anyway.
Jak saw Taryn and Zara come u, and he swung around, his expression tight and unhappy.

Taryn nodded to them both, going right to the door of the cell. Do you mean "to the right" or "immediately"? I would clarify. However, if you mean "immediately", be wary of repetition with the next sentence: Leung and Jak instantly moved aside so he could look in.

Like he'd been trying to stretch them for days, and couldn't. First, it's a fragment, but stylistically I wouldn't change that. Second, the comma after days shouldn't be there grammatically, and it doesn't improve the sentence enough stylistically that I would leave it. Third, I would change the "and" to "but" to make the sentence just a little bit tighter.

Taryn knew the prisoner couldn't speak and had barely made a noise since being processed.

He never used formalities at all. "never... at all" seems like overkill.

Taryn watched him aim it, and he heard the surprisingly quiet noise when it fired, but Leung was in the way, so he couldn't see it hit. First, "so" is like and, but, and or with the commas. Second, unclear pronoun reference: when you say "it" at the end, it is supposed to be referring to a different "it" than the beginning of the sentence (tranq vs gun).

In the cell, the screaming finally stopped. I would explain how it stopped. Was it abrupt or did it fade away? End on one last loud cry that echoed throughout the room? Increase in pitch until they couldn't hear it anymore?

It was Jak who went to the door, fumbling with his key ring until he found the right one. Seems a bit more precise to include "with".
They were strictly low-tech in this part of the prison, in case any of the prisoners here got ahold of one of the guards. I can't explain why, but I would either remove the comma or say "just in case". Possibly I am crazy. Next, "to get ahold of" - one word. Last, I'm pretty sure it'd be tricky for a prisoner to get ahold of ALL of the guards, which is what that sentence originally implied!
Taryn saw that but didn't call him on it - he was scared as well and only mostly certain they wouldn't be hurt. I also find "as well" to be an awkward phrasing.
But It was his job to look after the health of the prisoners here...

Re: Edit!

[pipisafoat]

"Come with me," he said, expecting her to follow. The qualifier is redundant and self-explanatory. If you tell someone to come with you, you expect them to follow.

The prisoner had slumped backwards as he lost conciousness, but his spread wings were holding him upright so that he looked like a scarecrow on a scaffold or a corpse trapped in barbed wire. In both places, comma removal.
His sharp, inhuman face was wide open with pain and wet with sweat and tears and snot sweat, tears, and snot. How exactly is a face "wide open with pain"? Lists are made with commas, more commas, and finally the "and".
There was a thick line of drool running down his chin and a small puddle of reeking vomit between his knees.
His half-open eyes were round, like circles... I'm pretty sure your average reader already knows that circles are round. Consider rewording this section.
They were blue as they as blue as the skies denied to him.
His arms and torso were glistening wetly with his sweat and blood and lined with deep red cuts. I also think "glistening wetly" is a very, um, cliched phrase.

The birdman's head had been shaved when he was processed, and now it was it was still too short to know what color it had been. And, of course, still sorting out the hair/head issues.

The birdman's hands and feet were two digits short. It might be better to say they "had two less digits than normal".
Claws instead of nails, thick and curved, streaked with red. Fragment, but stylistically good.

Zara was standing in the doorway, awkward with fear. I would take out that comma, and "awkward with fear" makes me feel awkward with awkwardness.

And She had brown hair and brown skin {{like he did, and Kathan, and almost everyone he knew}}. Awkward wording.

He wondered if the grey had disappointed anyone. Wait... if they're grey more from dirt than pigmentation, they could be white underneath the dirt, right?
They were flecked with blood the man had torn out of his own body. I don't really think of blood as being "torn out".

They were surprisingly soft. I think it's generally bad form to start a paragraph with a pronoun, but that's just me.
The muscles were still shaking: minute trembles that reminded him uncomfortably of something dying. Colon is awkward.

"I'm going to," Taryn said, but he didn't get up. // "Kathi," he said carefully... I would make these one paragraph, because he is the one speaking in both.

She began to rub the skin over her abdomen, as if as though their son needed soothing. I would also consider removing the comma, but it's not particularly bad.
He could feel the solid plain plane of his son's back.


All in all, I liked this story a lot. As Bia said, you write fantasy in a way that makes it seem rather real. It's a great concept on top of being well-written.

Re: Edit!

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for your edit, Heather. You did a hell of a lot of work and I really appreciate it.

I honestly feel ashamed that there were so many errors in this. My only reason--not an excuse--is that I posted it right at the deadline and therefore didn't feel I had the option to go back and edit, since the voting had already begun. I didn't realize there were that many problems with the story, and I apologize for how much work you had to do.

I can't say that I will implement all of your suggested changes, because some parts of the story don't feel right in my head if I remove the commas or change the wording. That said, I will definitely pay closer attention to my use of colons and commas, and how I start sentences.

Thank you again,

Leah

Re: Edit!

[pipisafoat]

We like editing; no thanks are necessary!

Yeah, we actually struggle with grammatically correct vs stylistically awesome commas, too, so... what can I say. It was a great story, and we look forward to reading more from you in the future!
-Kel

Re: Edit!

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! I'm working on round four's submission now....

Are there two of you? Kel and Heather? That would be neat.

Re: Edit!

[pipisafoat]

Five, actually... only two of us are really part of brigits_flame.
Heather does all of the editing, I do most of the writing, and we share commenting and such.

Yay! I'm really looking forward to reading Round Four. I'm glad you made it!
-Kel

Re: Edit!

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

A hive mind in one journal, eh? That is neat. :)

Thanks to you both.