"Chordata" (Round Three Entry for the February brigits_flame Writing Contest)

[taste_is_sweet]

Wasn't sure I was going to make it this week, but here we are. Another one in the Gills 'verse, and a sequel to Class Aves, which I'm feeling too lazy to link to at the moment, so please be so kind as to use the tags below if you'd like to read it.

I want to thank everyone who voted in my fabulous poll earlier today. I've decided to go with Ash for the avan. However, I think I'm going to change Jak to Anthony at some later date, but I'll leave him Jak for now for the sake of not wanting to confuse anyone, least of all myself.

I hope you enjoy this, and thank you very much for voting for me last week. I also should mention that the icon is related to the vignette, and not so much how I feel about the vignette, though it is nonetheless true for that as well.

The theme this round was 'Harmony'. And here's a link to brigits_flame.

The playground wasn't too far from Elise's building, though as playgrounds went it wasn't much of one, just a small stamp of grass with foot-worn paths of hard-packed earth threading between the two splintery park benches, a decrepit, listing slide and a swing set with two ratty rubber swings. Elise almost never saw children there even in the daytime.

Now, though, it was night, and Elise was just as glad there was no one else there besides her, other than her brother and the avan.

Jak was sitting next to her, his elbows on the backrest of the park bench and his eyes fixed on Ash. Ash was at the swing set, his feet planted on either side of one of the rusted metal supports and his hands wrapped firmly around it. He was exercising his wings, making sure he didn't accidentally pull himself into the air. His wings were moving fast enough that they were hitting each other on the upstroke, making a sound like hands clapping. The wind they were generating was swirling leaves over the grass. Ash's upper body was gleaming with sweat in the glow of the nearby streetlight, his face contorted with determination and pain.

"He's working too hard," Jak said. "He's going to damage something."

"I'm sure he knows what he's doing," Elise said. She was leaning against Jak and wearing his jacket, arms crossed over her chest. She was still cold. She tilted her head so she could more-or-less see the side of Jak's face. "If you're worried, you should go over there and tell him."

Jak didn't answer, but she saw his jaw twitch, no doubt because he was rubbing his teeth together.

"He doesn't need me telling him what to do," Jak said.

Elise sighed. She leaned away from Jak to grab the thermos she'd brought off the bench. She unscrewed the cap and poured out a cup's worth of tea, smiling as the heat from the hot liquid warmed her hands. She passed the thermos wordlessly to Jak, but all he did was close it and put it at his feet.

"He's looking healthier," Jak said.

Elise murmured agreement, smiling into her cup as she took another sip. Ash had gained weight and muscle since he'd been staying with her, and his wings weren't scraggly or dingy anymore but glossy red-brown. But he didn't seem any happier than when she'd first found him in the alley, starving and beat up and soaked with gasoline. "He's better," she said, watching as the avan lifted up onto his toes with the force of his wing beats, "but there's something still bugging him. He doesn't smile much."

"It's because he can't fly," Jak said.

Elise took another sip of tea. Her brother scratched the side of his neck.

"I guess you'd know," Elise said.

Jak dropped his hand and she could see his shoulders go rigid. "It's not the same," he said.

"No, it's not," Elise said quietly. She turned her head so she could look at Jak's face, but he was still staring across the small playground, watching Ash like Jak had to catalogue him, save as much as he could before Ash was gone. It made her sad.

Ash was resting now, leaning against the swing set, his wings moving with every one of his heaving breaths. "Why don't you take your shirt off, Jak?" Elise asked her brother. "It's nearly midnight--no one's going to see you."

"I'm fine," Jak said.

Elise took a deep breath to disguise her frustration. "You need to at least expose them to the air," she said. "You've already had, what, eight infections this year? I'm worried that if you get another one you won't be able to fight it off."

Jak just gave a sharp shake of his head. "I'll do it later," he said.

Elise clenched her teeth, then purposely turned her attention back to the avan. He was still leaning against the swing set support.

"Hey, you okay over there?" she called to him.

Ash moved an arm enough to give her a thumbs-up, but didn't answer.

"Great," Elise responded. "Just let me know if you're about to drop dead."

She got another thumbs-up in return.

"You know, I don't understand you," Elise said to Jak. She took another sip of her tea, mostly as a way to keep her temper down. "What are you afraid of?" She gestured at Ash with her free hand. "That he'll see? He's got wings sticking out of his back! Do you think he'll really care that you can breathe underwater?"

Jak looked away from her. His jaw was still twitching as his teeth ground back and forth. It was a terrible habit. "You don't understand," he said.

"You're right," Elise spat. "I don't understand." She jerked her chin at the avan. "There he is, working his ass off to get back into the air, and there you are--hiding your gift for ten years, making yourself sick, wearing sweaters all the damn time, and for what? Because the Olympic committee broke your heart once? Get over it, already! Who cares if you've got gills, Jak?"

"You don't know what it's like," Jak said, voice tight. "You've never known what it's like. Being stared at, being treated like something subhuman. You don't know what the hell you're talking about."

Elise realized she'd started grinding her teeth as well and forcibly made her jaw relax. "I grew up with you, Jak," she said. "I work with people like you every day of my life. Don't you tell me I don't know what you're talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about. Do you think it didn't matter to me when someone pointed at you? When that asshole official at the swim meet accused you of cheating when you were ten?"

"If you know, then leave me the hell alone," Jak said.

Elise shook her head. "I can't," she said tightly. "And I won't." She took another breath. Ash had started flapping his wings again, slower this time, more controlled. She watched him until she felt like she could speak without yelling.

"Let me tell you something you don't understand," she said. "I used to watch you swim, remember? I can't do more than doggie-paddle without sinking, but I loved watching you swim. I did it all the time.

"And you were…." Elise shook her head. She'd begun smiling without realizing it, remembering. "God, you were like…it was like watching a dolphin, or another part of the water. Water made human. It was gorgeous, amazing." She smirked ruefully. "And I hated you sometimes, because we're twins, but I couldn't do that. But God, I loved watching you.

"And now that's all gone," she said. "And instead you hide behind turtlenecks and you're angry all the time and you never swim anymore. For no reason. For no reason at all."

"I hate people staring at me," Jak said.

Elise snorted. "That's bullshit and you know it. They used to stare at you all the time at the swim meets, and you never gave a damn." She looked at him again. His expression was rigid. "I don't know why you're doing this, what you're afraid of. So what if people see what you are? You're…." She faltered, unsure of the words, then finally pointed at Ash: the strength in his body, the miracle of his wings. "You're like that," she said simply.

Jak didn't say anything.

"He's beautiful, isn't he?" Elise asked quietly.

Jak closed his eyes, as if in shame. "Don't," he said.

"I know you're interested," Elise said.

Jak made a small noise, a mix of pain and anger. "Don't."

"Fine," Elise sighed. "Sorry. Forget I said anything."

"You just can't leave anything alone, can you?" Jak said.

"I told you to forget it," Elise said. "And I won't say anything. I promise."

"Good," Jak snapped. He glanced at his watch, scowled. "It's nearly one in the morning. I have to work tomorrow."

It wasn't like Elise had asked her brother to come with them tonight, but she didn't mention it. Instead she started gathering the things she'd brought, snagging the thermos from between Jak's feet. "Hey, Ash!" she hollered across the playground. "Time's up! Let's go!"

Ash stilled his wings. He wiped his forehead with the side of his wrist, then pushed himself away from the swings and came over to them. He was breathing hard again. His wings were hanging loose on either side of him, all but dragging on the ground, which showed how tired he was. Ash normally kept his wings folded as tightly to his back as possible, even the still-healing left one. Otherwise they kept hitting things, especially in tight spaces.

"Time to go," Elise repeated. "Here." She passed him the thermos.

"Thanks," Ash said. He unscrewed the cap and drank straight from the container. Elise allowed herself a few seconds to admire the glistening expanse of his neck and chest before she tossed the towel at him. He caught it deftly with one hand.

"You should be careful," Jak said. "You'll make yourself sick, if you push too hard. Or you might damage the muscle again."

Ash didn't answer right away, just used the towel to wipe his face and chest. His expression was as inscrutable as always. "I have to build my strength back up," he said.

"It's not going to happen in one night," Jak said.

Ash sniffed. "I know." He finished the tea and gave the thermos back to Elise, then started scrubbing his hair. He smiled then, small and tentative, like he wasn't entirely sure how to do it right. "Thanks. For coming out here. It's easier to do this stuff when no one's around."

"I know what you mean," Jak said.

Ash smirked. "Sure." He grabbed the pack from Elise as she was lifting it, and swung it onto his shoulder. The strap slid neatly under his wing. Elise knew he didn't believe her brother; he had no reason to.

"Come on," Elise said, "let's go home." She started walking, moving quickly and hoping to get ahead of Jak and Ash. Maybe they'd actually talk, if she wasn't right there. Maybe Jak would find the courage to say something, to show Ash how he knew what it was like to be different. Maybe he'd finally stop denying who he was.

Maybe. But Elise doubted it.

***

Comments

[jamais-toujours.livejournal.com]

I love this story. I just want to keep on reading about Ash, Elise, and now her brother too and to learn more about their world and their secrets. Good luck this week :).

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. :)

[innana88.livejournal.com]

You have this incredible knack for inviting people into the inner lives of your characters, presenting the reader with a fascade that is full of little holes where their vulnerabilities leak out despite them. You do this consistently.

This particular piece isn't quite there, yet. I don't think the problem lies with the characters or the premise of the story, because despite all the action of the piece last week, you still managed to do that successfully with Ash and Elise.

As you read my comments, keep in mind that this is a critique of this piece only. You aren't allowed to take anything I say and use it to flog yourself.

This week it feels like your focus was on exposition and moving the plot forward rather than on the characters themselves. The conversation between Elise and Jak felt artificial and imposed upon them, rather than emanating from within them, as is the norm for your writing. It begins with Elise suggesting that Jak take off his shirt out of the blue. There was nothing that compelled this suggestion in the scene previously (plus, it seemed odd given the fact that it is cold enough to be carrying around a hot thermos that warms icy fingers). Then the scene goes into a back and forth argument that doesn't make sense without understanding the characters better. Why does Elise care? Does she really care about Jak? It seems here like she's more bent on proving a point than trying to liberate him from his self-consciousness. I'm not seeing the love here. Because it seems to be providing exposition and setting up something for later, I am not finding anything unique and intrinsic to Elise and Jak to help me relate to them. She seems pushy and, at this point, he feels pretty generic in his angry self-consciousness.

I can't help but wonder if the comment about things moving too slowly in the email you received made you switch up your process. If it did, stop. You are a brilliant writer precisely because your characters are so rich (and also because your imagination is staggering). If I want plot to move forward rapidly, I'll throw my emotional intelligence out the window and go read Tom Clancy. You are characteristically (pun not intended) subtle in how you reveal your characters, often through the subtext beneath the dialogue, which isn't always congruent with what they actually say. It's beautiful how you do this.

Take your time to flush out everything. Later, after the characters are rich and subtle and dynamic in their interactions with each other, you can go back and edit out details to condense it if need be, but trust yourself and your talent and your amazing richness of perception of people and all that goes on beneath their skin...and for god's sake don't let anyone make you feel like you have to compromise what you do so inspirationally well, which is listen deeply to your characters and let them tell the story through the words you write.

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

I saw this late last night and didn't have the courage to really read it. I still don't know what to say now. I appreciate your caring enough about me to want to help me write better. I was counting on some knowledge of the characters to come from the earlier vignettes I'd written in this universe, which doesn't seem to have worked. I wasn't trying to rush anything. I actually thought the dialogue was pretty good. I also took a risk for myself in making Jak interested in men, so the fact that I wrote that badly is very embarrassing to me. I'm embarrassed about this in general. I'm sorry.

[innana88.livejournal.com]

Whoa there, Jellybean...

I said you weren't allowed to flog yourself. Stop it. And for godsakes don't you dare apologize.

1. You said that this was a sequel to the previous piece, which in my mind meant that there was nothing between this piece and the piece last week. If there will be other vignettes between these two, that could be very helpful.

2. Please don't go putting words in my mouth. I never said you wrote the part about Jak being interested in men badly. Actually, that part of the dialogue worked. You took the negative aspects of what I said and generalized them as blanket statements for everything. That's not fair to me, but most especially it isn't fair to you.

3. I know con crit is tough to swallow, especially when one has insecurities about one's own writing. I wrote a piece a few months back that I was pretty proud of and you and Cedar pretty much flat out said that it wasn't working for you and that it wasn't up to par with my usual standards. It was tough to hear, but I appreciated your honesty. After I got over my initial disappointment, I especially appreciated it because I know that I can trust that you mean it when something does work and I know I can count on you to give it to me straight, which can only improve my writing.

I'm very sorry that you are embarrassed. As far as I see it you have absolutely no reason to be. This is a working project. You've got an intriguing premise, characters that, as usual, are deep and rich. I just didn't think that this particular scene worked as well as almost everything else you write works. The comment about Tom Clancy was intended to let you know that I think you are worlds better than Tom Clancy and that this scene worked about as well as a highly published, read, produced BESTSELLING AUTHOR who in my opinion is beneath your caliber. That's right. Read that again. The stuff that you write that doesn't work as well is still at the caliber of BESTSELLING WRITERS.

I just happen to think you are so much better than that.

Seriously. You're like my writer hero. You can trust that I mean it when I do sing praises, because I don't pussyfoot around when something isn't striking the right chord with me. I wouldn't feed you, of all people, a load of malarkey just to make you feel good. You are too damned phenomenal of a writer to take this con crit to heart so much that it embarrasses you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Put this in the proper context. This is one scene that didn't entirely work for me out of how many I've read? What am I really saying? That this one scene didn't seem to be up to your usual level of writing, which is off the freakin' charts. When I grow up, I want to write like you do. That hasn't changed one iota.

Don't get disheartened. Don't let this permeate how you feel about writing in general or even about this particular novel. It is one working scene. Period. You are far too good for that.

I adore you. I adore your writing. And, if it helps, I will make sure that I point out more of what is working for me in a scene before I criticize. Also, since I haven't been formally editing for the Flame, I haven't been checking folks' editing levels. I made the assumption that you wanted the same tough, constructive 'no holds barred' critiques that you have also given me, but I also want to make sure that in giving you feedback, that you feel supported. I thought that I did that by writing about everything that you normally do that works really well, but I can see that wasn't the case. Please, please, let me know what you need from me. If you just want me to read and say nothing, I'll do that. If you want me to look at specific sections only, let me know. If you just want some encouragement because you're having a tough week, I'll be more than happy to give it. Please tell me what you need. I want to be helpful to you. I'm so sorry that you felt badly about this. It wasn't my intention at all.

*hugs*

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Yo, yo.

I promised I'd respond to this properly, so here goes:

1) I would definitely put more stuff between the previous scene and this one. Otherwise I agree it kind of comes out of left field. I should have been more clear about the passage of time.

2) I'm glad that the one part of the dialogue I was most worried about actually worked for you. Because you said that the conversation felt artificial and imposed on the characters, I thought you meant, you know, the entire conversation. :)

3) I'm honoured that you think that much of my writing. As you know, I've been despairing the last few days (I feel like I'm going out of my mind, actually. Not pleasant), so words like that mean a lot.

And to answer what I want from you, I'll be as honest as I can: I appreciate you taking the time and energy to even read my stuff, let along comment on it. The fact that I can know that you (and lalalaleigha will read what I write has occasionally been the only real incentive I've had to post anything. And I do want to improve as a writer, so I need to hear what you say, even if I don't always agree. And it's not like you've ever been mean or cruel, just tough. I think what would make it easier for me would be if you could point out if there is anything that you like as well. That would make a huge difference, because I value your opinion so much.

::Hugs you back:: and thank you. Especially for putting up with me in general the past few days.

This is a pep talk. *nod nod*

[lalalaleigha.livejournal.com]

We officially suck for making you fearful of concrit.

I don't actually agree with most of Lindsey's comments about the piece. I found Elise's love for Jak very realistic, partly because I probably would have said the exact same things in the same situation. I very much take a tough love approach with some people. There's nothing misplaced about your characterisation of Elise. It needed to be a vignette in a way because the community is most conducive to vignettes. You're establishing the plot here for yourself more than for anyone else, and it happens to work as a standalone.

I do agree with her on the following: You're bestseller writer material. And not in any way like anyone else who has ever written a bestselling novel. You're a unique and wonderful writer. Spoken as someone who usually avoids fantasy like the plague, you've gotten me really immersed in this story. Spoken as someone who usually finds female authors to write in a convoluted way, your writing is both concise and elegant. There is nothing wrong here, Leah. It's just another case of someone-isn't-so-into-a-scene. It's not at all a sign of you as a writer overall, and it's not at all a sign that the scene is necessarily bad.

Remember that this is NOT your final draft, and remember that we are NOT professional critics. Your total on the poll has demonstrated that you didn't write this badly whatsoever. I know you already know that people aren't going to miraculously stop being critical of your writing when you get published. Maybe it's tougher to hear it from people with whom you interact regularly. We'll of course bugger off if you want us to. I don't want you to be anxious about receiving feedback forever, though, and I don't think you want that either.

And by the way, you are going to publish your book. And then another one after that. I met a woman who had her book declined 46 times, and by the time it was finally published it became a tremendous hit. The only thing I am suggesting in making this comment is that it is not a show that you are a poor author in having been declined. This is standard, and you already know that part too. So chin up, okay? You're lovely and your writing is lovely and that's that. *nods*

Re: This is a pep talk. *nod nod*

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you. ::hugs you:: That was a wonderful thing to say, and very much appreciated.

I am also thinking that this story will work better in general when I've added more to it. This scene, for example, would take place at least a chapter further on than the previous one, probably more. That's a lot of characterization no one else has gotten.

That said, I'm really happy that you liked it as-is. :D It's also good to be reminded that not everyone's taste is going to match up (the fact that one of the authors I like the least on brigits_flame gets the most votes is certainly proof of that). It's just that the more I value someone's opinion, the more it can freak me out if they're not gushing with praise.

Not that you have to be gushing with praise. :) I prefer honesty. I would just rather if your honest opinion was that everything I wrote was perfect all the time. Heh.

Thank you again.