In the beginning, I was surprised to discover that Jak and Gavin were in an exam room. It wasn't overly clear at the start because of the referral to it as an office. Once I got over my initial confusion at seeing reference to an exam table, I was able to get the imagery right in my head.
puss should be pus. Puss is a cat :)
When Jak first removes his shirt you mention that he was a little uncomfortable from the cold but mostly due to his unease. When Jak is at the beach, it mentions how the cold never really bothered him. It's a bit conflicting. Honestly, the first referral to him being cold in the exam room can be altered a bit to include how the cold doesn't really bother him or it can be removed altogether. It's not adding much to that scene so removing it and focusing solely on Jak's unease might be better.
The story ended a bit abruptly. I found myself checking to see if I had missed anything in my scrolling. On the one hand, it's good because I want to read more. On the other hand, it's a bit disappointing. I don't know if there's a way to ease into the ending a little bit more so it doesn't seem so sudden, though.
I like how the story is told from Jak’s point of view, yet you’re able to get a glimpse into Gavin’s head, his thoughts, and the unhappiness that he has with this own life. It’s very noble of Gavin to constantly try to reach out to Jak to make him see that he’s not alone.
The world you created is very intriguing. I want to learn more about how people are being altered and what’s causing them to be altered. I really enjoy the descriptions you use and how you use them. You’re able to get the imagery across without using a lot of extraneous words.
I’m glad you explained how it ties into the prompt because I definitely didn’t see the connection at first.
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Here is an edit, all wrapped in a nice, shiny bow for you!
14/10/08 03:20 (UTC)puss should be pus. Puss is a cat :)
When Jak first removes his shirt you mention that he was a little uncomfortable from the cold but mostly due to his unease. When Jak is at the beach, it mentions how the cold never really bothered him. It's a bit conflicting. Honestly, the first referral to him being cold in the exam room can be altered a bit to include how the cold doesn't really bother him or it can be removed altogether. It's not adding much to that scene so removing it and focusing solely on Jak's unease might be better.
The story ended a bit abruptly. I found myself checking to see if I had missed anything in my scrolling. On the one hand, it's good because I want to read more. On the other hand, it's a bit disappointing. I don't know if there's a way to ease into the ending a little bit more so it doesn't seem so sudden, though.
I like how the story is told from Jak’s point of view, yet you’re able to get a glimpse into Gavin’s head, his thoughts, and the unhappiness that he has with this own life. It’s very noble of Gavin to constantly try to reach out to Jak to make him see that he’s not alone.
The world you created is very intriguing. I want to learn more about how people are being altered and what’s causing them to be altered. I really enjoy the descriptions you use and how you use them. You’re able to get the imagery across without using a lot of extraneous words.
I’m glad you explained how it ties into the prompt because I definitely didn’t see the connection at first.
Overall, I enjoyed it. Good job :)