Your adroit versatility never fails to impress me, m'dear.
I was sucked right in *cough* No surprise there. I really enjoyed this piece and, once again, I'm so excited that I will get to watch you develop a world. YAY!
I do have a couple of suggestions that weren't noted in other places.
Maybe it is just because it is one of my favorite expressions, but because I happen to know it so well, it seemed a touch cliched to say the whole thing. If it is as commonly known as I think it is, you might just be able to use, "The beatings will continue..." and cut it there. I wanted to see her laugh as she stared at her face distorted with exhaustion as she said it. I think that might help with the feeling of it sounding a touch cliched whether you cut it or not. By laughing, she's acknowledging that it is a cliche.
and banging
I couldn't figure out what the banging would have been. Did something hit the dumpster? If it was them kicking him, it would have been more of a thwacking. Maybe if there is blood on the dumpster that would do the trick.
"Hey!" she hollered. "Hey! Hey! Stop it! Police!" The last part was a total lie, Cut the part about it being a total lie. If you add "was different from a police badge." to the end of the next sentence, that should help to avoid stating something that you set up for us through action.
She could still make out the kids--four of them, with the hoods of their shirts pulled over their heads. None of them looked over fourteen.
How can she tell if they aren't fourteen if they all have hoods up over their heads? If it is by their size, then maybe indicate that. I disagree with Leigha about the last sentence. It doesn't feel awkward to me.
That same section I think could use a bit of rearranging. The time threw me a bit. She starts off telling them to stop, then you describe the alley, then after a large descriptive gap, the kid responds.
Maybe this will help: cut this The alley was almost completely in shadow this early in the morning. The light from the openings to the streets on each end seemed to stop like a wall, barely penetrating the darkness. It reeked of gasoline. It is a fabulous description, but it is bogging down the action right here. And maybe move the sense that it creates up into this sentence instead: "Elise slammed the door behind her and ran into the heavily shadowed, claustrophobic alley." or something like that.
I don't think you need to mention the gasoline there at all. When it comes up later, it can be something she didn't take into account, as happens in crisis situations. She's surprised by it later so it makes more sense not to mention it here.
If he is hauling himself up to his hands and knees, could you set the picture so that I can see how she'd almost kneel on a wing? I was having trouble figuring out where the different parts went.
I really like the dialogue between the avan and Elise. I love that she's still thinking about bagels and cream cheese and worried about ruining her pants. She's a do-gooder, but she's human. I like.
And after reading this, I think Ash almost sounds cliche-ish, too. That name just seems like a sci-fi/dark fantasy name. It makes me want to write him off faster and he sounds so damn cool, I don't want to think that. Just opining here. Sorry! The other two names are less exotic sounding and seem to present a nice contrast to his otherness.
I really enjoyed this. The critique here is regarding really subtle stuff and small details, but you write such good stuff that it makes it easy for me to get nitpicky and that is a total complement to you, if that makes sense. Because your writing is so strong overall, I can just focus on the touch-up stuff.
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21/2/09 05:27 (UTC)I was sucked right in *cough* No surprise there. I really enjoyed this piece and, once again, I'm so excited that I will get to watch you develop a world. YAY!
I do have a couple of suggestions that weren't noted in other places.
Maybe it is just because it is one of my favorite expressions, but because I happen to know it so well, it seemed a touch cliched to say the whole thing. If it is as commonly known as I think it is, you might just be able to use, "The beatings will continue..." and cut it there. I wanted to see her laugh as she stared at her face distorted with exhaustion as she said it. I think that might help with the feeling of it sounding a touch cliched whether you cut it or not. By laughing, she's acknowledging that it is a cliche.
and banging
I couldn't figure out what the banging would have been. Did something hit the dumpster? If it was them kicking him, it would have been more of a thwacking. Maybe if there is blood on the dumpster that would do the trick.
"Hey!" she hollered. "Hey! Hey! Stop it! Police!" The last part was a total lie,
Cut the part about it being a total lie. If you add "was different from a police badge." to the end of the next sentence, that should help to avoid stating something that you set up for us through action.
She could still make out the kids--four of them, with the hoods of their shirts pulled over their heads. None of them looked over fourteen.
How can she tell if they aren't fourteen if they all have hoods up over their heads? If it is by their size, then maybe indicate that. I disagree with Leigha about the last sentence. It doesn't feel awkward to me.
That same section I think could use a bit of rearranging. The time threw me a bit. She starts off telling them to stop, then you describe the alley, then after a large descriptive gap, the kid responds.
Maybe this will help: cut this
The alley was almost completely in shadow this early in the morning. The light from the openings to the streets on each end seemed to stop like a wall, barely penetrating the darkness. It reeked of gasoline. It is a fabulous description, but it is bogging down the action right here. And maybe move the sense that it creates up into this sentence instead: "Elise slammed the door behind her and ran into the heavily shadowed, claustrophobic alley." or something like that.
I don't think you need to mention the gasoline there at all. When it comes up later, it can be something she didn't take into account, as happens in crisis situations. She's surprised by it later so it makes more sense not to mention it here.
If he is hauling himself up to his hands and knees, could you set the picture so that I can see how she'd almost kneel on a wing? I was having trouble figuring out where the different parts went.
I really like the dialogue between the avan and Elise. I love that she's still thinking about bagels and cream cheese and worried about ruining her pants. She's a do-gooder, but she's human. I like.
And after reading this, I think Ash almost sounds cliche-ish, too. That name just seems like a sci-fi/dark fantasy name. It makes me want to write him off faster and he sounds so damn cool, I don't want to think that. Just opining here. Sorry! The other two names are less exotic sounding and seem to present a nice contrast to his otherness.
I really enjoyed this. The critique here is regarding really subtle stuff and small details, but you write such good stuff that it makes it easy for me to get nitpicky and that is a total complement to you, if that makes sense. Because your writing is so strong overall, I can just focus on the touch-up stuff.
Okay. To bed for me.